Susan Marshall’s Media

Despite daily evidence from Washington and the entertainment industry to the contrary, truly powerful people do not resort to name-calling as a means of getting attention or being heard.

Crazy, I know.

We’ve all seen plenty of evidence showing how coarse our culture has become, and how juvenile. The name-calling in Washington and across the full spectrum of entertainment is shameful. Embarrassing, too, if you listen long enough. I have caught myself asking out loud, “Did you hear what you just said?!” as I listen to radio and TV news. Sitcoms are worse, I’m told. I don’t know. I don’t watch them.

But lest we believe that the whole world is going down this particular drain, I have observed something quite different among some business leaders, educators, and bright young professionals.

Truly powerful people don’t call other people names. They don’t need to. They have learned how to present their point of view—even argument—with certainty and comfort in their position.

Instead of calling someone a derogatory name, they will challenge a decision or outcome based on information or process.

Reasonable people disagree. Confident people state their case and listen to opposing viewpoints. Truly powerful people take it to the next step to make things happen. They have no time for juvenile acting out or wasted time and energy involved in name-calling.

Excuse the expression; it’s not one I normally use, especially in public. But it captures the mood of our times.

A lot of people are angry and scared, frustrated with ongoing bad news, and out of both patience and trust. They are wound tight; ready to spring on anything they perceive to be a threat or outright attack.

General problems have become deeply personal. Dark intentions are attributed to any expression that confuses. Emotional outbursts take place at least as often as measured discourse. Nothing good can come of this.

If you find yourself on the verge of exploding, take a break from life to calm down. Take a deep breath, talk to a friend, go for a walk, take a cold shower; whatever it takes to clear your mind and settle your nerves.

When you’re ready to come back, close your mouth, open your ears, and listen to what is being said, not what you think is being said, or what is ‘really intended.’ Where you have questions, ask them. If you are confused, ask for clarification. In each instance, listen with an open and curious mind, then think about what you heard before you respond to it.

There is a dangerous pattern of immediate reaction happening all around us today. When buttons get pushed, people react, often without thinking. This tends to invite additional reaction until a chain of events has unfolded that no one understands, but many regret.

Don’t go there. Unwind your spring. Take a break to find some perspective. We’ll all be better off.

Challenging times call for clear thinking, bold action, and a steady hand on the wheel. The best leaders are conscious of these requirements and mindful in their practice of them. They conduct swift but thorough due diligence, think through implications of their decisions, then act. They do not equivocate, apologize, or back track, and strong opposition does not intimidate them. In fact, they appreciate healthy argument as a means of clarifying everyone’s thinking.

Another approach to decision making entails the building of consensus among groups of stakeholders. This is facilitation, a process that is sometimes vitally important to a productive outcome. It requires special skill in drawing out differing viewpoints, finding common ground, and creating plans that are amenable to all.

This approach can be effective in relatively harmonious situations and in times of relative calm. However, when tensions run high and quick action is needed, this approach almost always fails.

There are several reasons for this. First of all, facilitation of a group process takes a good deal of time, especially if group members do not know one another well.

Second, finding common ground within a diverse group requires exceptional skill on the part of the facilitator. All members need to feel appreciated, even valued, for their contribution before they will agree to support any negotiated consensus. Even after agreeing, some wander off the ranch.

Third, tension and pressure to act often preclude deep thinking and mature discussion. Lines between conflicting factors get drawn, bad behaviors surface, and situations too often become deeply personal. Good decisions are rare.

After decades of team-based work, starting with the earliest quality circles in the 1960s, we have institutionalized our belief that collaboration is the way to success. But successful collaboration requires strong people with clear and certain viewpoints, a goal to guide them, a commitment to give their best effort, and a leader.

There is a time and place for facilitation. Its purpose is to draw out the accumulated knowledge of a group and decide, collectively, how best to use it. But it is too passive a method when urgent action is required. When the house is on fire, parents don’t gather the kids to discuss which exit they might prefer.

The best leaders recognize that tough times call for definitive principle and courageous action. They make sure to understand the parameters of a problem, the availability of resources, and the talent necessary for success. They trust others to challenge their assumptions, offer alternative solutions, and demand proof, all at a pace that meets a problem head on.

Facilitation is not leadership. Mistaking it as such sows the seeds of despair.

My head has been spinning lately as I watch our government do things that have never been done before and try to discern the reasons why. Forgive my naivete, but when did we give the government permission to remove business leaders from their jobs? I missed that news.

When did we decide that talking to our enemies was the way to protect our hard-won freedoms? Yes, I understand that negotiations are a useful strategy. The best negotiators I know are tough as nails with deep knowledge of their opponents’ tendencies and weaknesses. Their objective is to win as much as possible, while allowing the least gain for their opponents. Mind you, we’re talking about enemies, not neutral players.

Flattery is an oft-used tactic to soften opposition. It is usually followed by an unexpected demand or strike.

The economy is in the tank and our planet is due to self-incinerate any day now, yet politicians jet here and there, make speeches that are unintelligible, pursue lifestyles of privilege as though nothing has changed, then go to taxpayers for support money.

I don’t get it. But here’s something I do get. Confusion is a power tactic that works. When you talk fast enough out of both sides of your mouth, you can eventually confuse or frustrate your opponent into silence or acquiescence.

Forget politics for the moment. Look at abusive relationships. The person in power says something mean, then tells the offended other that no meanness was intended. A powerful one beats a weaker one, then declares ‘true love.’ A powerful one makes a decision that harms a weaker one, then tells the other that he is not harmed.

Weaker ones, who may actually be quite strong in other respects, struggle to understand the truth. They want to believe that their abuser means well. But actions and words don’t add up. They grow uneasy. Over time, they become weary and dependent. Their power is gone, along with their confidence and happiness.

When leaders purposely confuse followers, they abuse power. When followers are intimidated into apathetic acquiescence, freedom dies. You see it at work, at home, in schools and churches, in communities, and certainly in governments.

We are in danger throughout our society of being confused into doing things we don’t want to do by people who believe they know better than we do what we need. This is not new. But it sure seems to be more widespread than ever before.

I ask myself why and I don’t like the answers. Decayed values, eroded education, diminished discipline, failure of leadership, and unwillingness to struggle in any way to have the things we want.

Confusion arises when we no longer know what’s right and we don’t know whom to trust. We become sitting ducks!

How to protect yourself? Figure out your values. Ask questions. Listen to the answers with your ears, your mind, and your body. Pay attention to the responses you hear and feel. Refuse to accept lies.

Practice taking care of yourself, your loved ones, and your possessions. Plan for the future and act in ways that allow you to realize it.

Learn about history. While it may not seem relevant today, it carries deep lessons of how people thought (and fought), how decisions were made and the consequences that resulted, and how generations of people sought clarity for their lives.

Remember: Where power is involved, confusion is a tactic that works.