Susan Marshall’s Media

I’m a huge football fan, so my television gets a workout on weekends from August through early February. Other than that, I don’t watch. So it didn’t occur to me until recently that businesses compete with sitcoms and reality TV for the definition of appropriate behavior at work.

During football season, I see a lot of commercials for weekly shows. I can hardly believe the crudeness, rudeness, and disrespect that make up the entertainment factor for these shows. To say that sexuality is flaunted is to say that it snows in winter in Wisconsin. Everybody knows it, so what? Same with violence. It’s TV, who cares?

Though the point has been exhaustively debated among experts, I believe that the constant baseness of these programs—showing no honor, courage, or decency—creates a profound insensitivity between real humans with whom we interact at work, home, school, and play. The clever one-liner that sounds so funny on TV can be painfully mean in real life. “Just kidding” doesn’t take away the hurt after the fact.

Animated adult cartoons portray people as clueless, selfish, dangerous, or too stupid to do anything other than bumble their way through life. Asinine remarks burped out of vapid minds are hallmarks of the laugh tracks. Hurt feelings lead to plots of revenge. There is no such thing as self-awareness or self-control. Reflection takes too long and has no pizzazz.

Of course no one expects reality TV to teach us how to treat one another, but it does. Aggressive competition, outrageous behavior, in-your-face insults, and elation at the destruction of an opponent is standard fare. No wonder our culture has become so callous.

What does this have to do with business?

Many businesses today have cut back on training and development activities, which are so often the first to go when budgets get tight. But it is a mistake to think that when you are not providing intentional development your people are not learning. They are. Between crappy TV and the worst of a culture’s bad habits, they are learning plenty.

What to do? First, be aware. Second, don’t wring your hands; counteract it. How? By modeling the behaviors you want to see at work. What do you want your people to be thinking about? Engage them in dialog about it.

What do you want them to be doing? Show them. Provide benchmarks—model the behaviors. Provide time to practice in a very conscious way. Provide feedback so they know when they are getting closer to what you want to see or moving further away. Allow time for reflection. While TV shows rarely demonstrate this, reflection is essential to learning.

This is hard work! And because it is hard, few do it well. Because it takes time, few stick with the program. Because nobody wants to be perceived as judgmental or mean, few stick their necks out to call a foul.

This is how bad behavior becomes the norm. It is how people become depressed and lethargic. It is how entire workforces lose their confidence.

Don’t let it happen in your organization! Counteract the nonsense on TV. Show your people that you believe in their capacity to be better, do more, and contribute at higher levels. Then get busy showing them how.

GRATITUDE: a feeling of thankful appreciation for favors or benefits received.

APPRECIATION: the act of appreciating—a) a proper estimation or enjoyment.
b) grateful recognition, as of a favor. c) sensitive awareness or enjoyment, as of art. A judgment or evaluation.

APPRECIATION is the key to GRATITUDE. A proper valuing and enjoyment of things we have, whether gained by our own efforts or given to us by others.

Every life has difficulty, heartbreak, setback. Cultivating a sense of gratitude is a superb survival strategy. Story of elderly lady who walks in all kinds of weather.
We forget about how well our bodies function! Every day we wake up and systems work.

When we are on the lookout for people who might hurt us (remember dirty tricks?), we create an unhappy mindset. To counter this, TAKE TIME to feel the goodness of gratitude. When you can slow down long enough to notice the things you truly enjoy, your thinking changes.

I ask people from time to time to tell me about the things they are most grateful for off the top of their heads. There are several categories that seem automatic as people consider their lives.

Material goods and possessions. Food, shelter, clothing, electronics, vehicles, iPhones. This one tends to come first in people’s minds and it cuts across all generations and income levels. It’s tangible evidence of success.

It is good to appreciate what you have as a result of hard work.

Human relationships. Family members, partners, spouses, children. Friends, colleagues, teammates, neighbors. This is closer to the top of the list for young parents, grandparents, people who have had a scare—health crisis or accident, for example—and people who have either lost material possessions or have as many of them as they want.

Health. Mental, verbal, and physical abilities. This is often on the minds of people who are elderly; or who have been sick, have loved ones who are sick, or have survived some sort of physical trauma. Forced to slow down…

Talents. Gifts that are unique to the individual—artistic, musical, writing, math, science, woodworking, construction, athletics, architectural, engineering, caretaking, comedy… there are many fields in which talent plays an enormous role in getting started and achieving success. Rarely do we stop to consider that talent is a gift for which we should be grateful. We tend to rush into finding a way to make it lucrative!

Pets. When the whole world turns against us, our pets love us anyway.

Gratitude requires time for noticing and reflecting on gifts.
Gratitude can be practiced and nurtured.
At the Backbone Institute, we believe that conscious gratitude can change a life.

Call up your Character!

NOTICE what makes you happy. Sights, sounds, people, events, pets, experiences.

KEEP TRACK of these things.
Gratitude journal – As a single mom, my daily entry was often, “We made it through the day.”
Souvenirs – Take a tour of the souvenirs you have in your home. Reflect on where they came from, who is associated with them, and why they made you happy.

When you encounter the gloomy nay-sayer, don’t argue. But don’t invest time in hearing him/her out. Keep your mindset on finding good things to be grateful for.

To all of our Backbone Institute podcast listeners, thank you for being with us. Happy Thanksgiving!

Welcome to the weekly podcast from The Backbone Institute!
Today’s discussion:

DEALING WITH CONFLICT

How do you define conflict?

I don’t know many people who really like conflict, but it exists.
We tend to lump everything together that makes us uncomfortable and call it conflict, but that’s accurate.

Is a Different point of view conflict? – Not necessarily
Are Different objectives? – Yes
How about Different methods of achieving a goal? – Possibly, especially between generations.

COMMON CAUSES OF CONFLICT AT WORK
• Competition for credit
• Jealousy among co-workers
• Disagreement about best way to achieve goals (we’ve always done it this way vs. faster, cheaper ways)
• Disagreement about priorities
• Disagreement about value of contributions (most people have a higher opinion of themselves than might be warranted)

COMMON CAUSES OF CONFLICT AT HOME
• Competition for credit/attention
• Jealousy of outside influences
• Misunderstandings in communication
o He said/She said
o Blue Circle
• Disagreement about priorities and values

In conflict situation:
• Be clear about what you want – now and over time
• Recognize/acknowledge other points of view
• Listen for cause/source of conflict
• DO NOT PERSONALIZE
• Take time to calm down when you’re angry, excited – come back to conversation when you’re feeling more balanced

MANAGING DISAPPOINTMENT

• Hurts in the moment – can create a flash point, not what you want!
• What does it mean over time (will it matter in 6 weeks, 6 months)?
• Recognize that you’ve handled disappointment before
• Learn how to manage your emotions – Step back
• Practice putting disappointment in perspective
• Find productive means of expressing anger, hurt
o Talk to a trusted friend/colleague
o Write out your feelings – write a letter but DO NOT SEND!
• Give yourself 24 hours to decide what to do – Cool down period is vital, but can be very difficult to do

CALL UP YOUR CHARACTER!

Think of a current conflict you’re struggling with.
Who is involved?
What is the source of the conflict? Be objective!
What outcome would you like to see?

Recognize your disappointment with the situation.
Acknowledge your emotions.
Believe that the disappointment will pass and act according to long-term goals.

If the conflict is something you are not likely to resolve, think of your options and decide how to deal with it.

You have tremendous freedom to create a life that is meaningful and satisfying. When you can learn to deal effectively with conflict and manage life’s disappointments, you will feel stronger, happier and more in charge. It’s work worth doing!

The “Raise” Conversation

In the past few podcasts from The Backbone Institute, we talked about orienting yourself to the company and finding out what matters to your boss and to the organization in order to build your case in asking for a raise. This week, we want to talk about that very important conversation.

With many companies continuing to cut costs and do more with less, some experts believe that asking for a raise now could be considered at best unwise and at worst suicidal.

At The Backbone Institute, we have a different perspective.

We believe that when employees shut up and shut down for fear of losing their jobs, companies begin to stagnate. Fortunately, for listeners of this podcast, we have been doing important work to help you position yourself for that raise.

-You’ve learned more about your company and industry. This lets you talk with some confidence about what you currently do and how you might make even greater contributions.
-You’ve investigated how your work affects and is affected by the work of people in other departments.
-You’ve learned what’s important to your boss and the organization.
-You’ve thought about what you are doing now that exceeds what you were doing when you were hired or since your last raise.
-Most important of all, you’ve made the important decision to talk about all this with your boss.

Homework done, it’s time to have the conversation.

PRE-MEETING
-Ask for an appointment to talk about your work. “I’d like to get some time on your calendar to talk about my work here.”
-Do not answer questions in advance. “I know you probably have a number of questions, that’s why I’d like to set aside some time to talk.”
-Ask for 30 minutes when you are at your sharpest! Morning, mid-day, or afternoon.
-Prepare your case. List your accomplishments, tie them to organization or department objectives (what matters to your boss/the org.), and show how your contributions have increased.

AT THE MEETING – This is CONFIDENTIAL! Keep it between you and your boss.
-Thank your boss for meeting.
-Lay out your case logically, conversationally.
-Ask for what you want dollar-wise or as a percent increase. Be positive, expect a good response.
-Be prepared to give your boss time to consider your request.
-Do not present yourself as a Know-It-All who has figured out all the company problems and the solutions. Instead, convey your willingness and ability to take on more to build your value.
-Request another meeting within 7-10 days to hear his/her response.

CALL UP YOUR CHARACTER!

AFTER THE MEETING
-Objectively review the conversation. Did you accomplish what you wanted to? What message did you convey?
-How did your boss react? What does this mean? What do you know about him/her? This provides context for interpreting the reaction.
-How did you close the meeting?
-Prepare your response to your boss’s answer.
-Yes – Thank you!
-No – Disappointed. What basis for rejection? When will he/she reconsider?
-Maybe – If not now, when? On what conditions is raise likely?

NEXT WEEK

Dealing with conflict. Managing disappointment.

Welcome to the weekly podcast of The Backbone Institute!

Last week: Why do you want a raise? Reasons that matter to your organization and your boss.

This week: Lots of decisions to make.

Last week we asked you to do two things:
1. Orient yourself to the company
2. Learn what matters to your boss
This week we want to talk about the decisions you’ll need to make to do this work and increase your value to your organization—to get and keep getting raises.

How will you orient yourself to the company?
• Get your hands on an org. chart
• Talk to HR
• Talk to people in other departments
• Google your company and the industry for bigger picture
• Talk to customers
How are you going to do all this and your day job, too? Many say “forget it.”

Decision – you’ll approach HR:
• Will you make phone calls? (Y/N)
• Send emails? (Y/N)
• Stop in someone’s office? (Y/N)
The Backbone Institute advice: Don’t get bogged down! Pick a strategy and act.
• Catch them at lunch or a break? (Y/N)
3:30 Deviant act… little decisions get us all worked up. OK to get worked up, but be sure to act. Pick a place for lunch that you’re comfortable. If you’re nervous, they will be, too.

• What will you say? (Write down some ideas, practice)
• What will you say when people ask why you want to know?

NEXT STEP: Keep track of what you learn.

6:00 How will you learn what matters to your boss without looking like a kiss-up?

• Listen to what she says. – When? How?
• Notice what she pays attention to. – How?
• Pay attention to the things that make her happy and unhappy. – How will you know? What will you watch for?
Will you talk with others about these things to make sure your view is objective?

If you like this podcast, please share! Podbean.com, iTunes. Search “The Backbone Institute.”

7:10 The Backbone Institute: CALL UP YOUR CHARACTER

Think through these decisions. Make the biggest decision of all—whether you will do this work or just forget the whole idea. Maybe that raise isn’t so important, after all?

At The Backbone Institute, we want to help you think differently and encourage you to make the decisions only you can make.

If you can get into the habit of thinking things through and making the little every day decisions to learn and grow, others will begin to see you differently.

• You will look genuinely interested.
• You will listen more closely.
• You will look like someone who deserves a raise – and maybe a promotion!

Remember Aristotle: “You are what you repeatedly do.”

2009 The Backbone Institute©