Susan Marshall’s Media

Welcome to this week’s podcast from The Backbone Institute, where we uncover potential and support impossible dreams

This week our focus is on Confidence, the last of the three Backbone Elements we have addressed in this series.

Definition:
• Comfort and sense of mastery that comes from building Competence
• Deep down sense of security and stability
• You know what you know and you’re proud of your journey to get there

Frank Sinatra: “I did it my way.”

CONFIDENCE allows you to:
• Present your ideas openly and with assurance
• Listen to other points of view with openness and respect
• Challenge your own assumptions and old ideas
• Collaborate with people who are very different than you
• Have patience with impassioned people
• Stand your ground in the face of opposition

And: From University of Chicago Graduate School of Business
• Welcome new ideas
• Search for better answers
• Demand proof
• Love a good argument!

You can tell when a person has confidence. You feel safe around them and free to express your own ideas.

False confidence, on the other hand, feels uncomfortable.
• People who talk too much.
• People who laugh too loudly and at weird times.
• People who drop important names to try to impress you.
• People who try to crack your knuckles when they shake your hand.
• People who flash wads of cash, gold credit cards or bling to let you know they ‘are somebody.’

True Confidence is a hallmark of Backbone. False confidence is a hallmark of Insecurity.

This week’s Social Media Question: How can I get people to take me more seriously?

We teach others how to treat us.
Change what you do to get a different outcome.
Try new behaviors.
Think about what you want and how to approach it differently.

Learning to accept and interpret Feedback is a major aspect of gaining Confidence.

Feedback comes from many sources:
• One-on-one, as with boss and subordinate or you with a coach
• Group dynamics
• The atmosphere in the room – friendly or hostile
• Reports of your operations
• Feedback from your customers
• Opinions from your board of directors or a legislative body
• Reactions of your friends and family
• Gossip among neighbors or around the water cooler (does anybody have a water cooler any more?)

Tune into the buzz to get a sense of what’s happening. Confident people take it all in, figure out what’s going on and how they want to respond.

Call up Your Character!
When you have the same argument over and over with a friend, partner, or spouse, they are not taking you seriously. Are you taking them seriously?

Today’s assignment:
When you find yourself in that old argument where nothing changes:

1. Stop talking.
2. Listen carefully. Do not respond.
3. Note what you’re sensing and feeling.
4. Take a break.
5. When you go back to it a few hours or a day later, say “I really listened to you.”
6. A different conversation is possible when you approach it differently.

When it comes to change, most everyone can relate to these sentiments: “I want to be better, but I don’t want to change what makes me comfortable.” “I’m all for change, just don’t make me alter my routines.” That’s the bald truth, though no one would say it just that way.

Things that make us comfortable in organizational settings include structure, history, personal and professional relationships, knowing the rules and the shortcuts, having some influence in things that matter to us. When change is required, we like to keep these things stable.

This, of course, sets up all kinds of conflict because it is often history and structure that have led to an unsustainable future. Likewise, relationships help us deal with change because we have someone to talk to. Secret fears are often shared confidentially between friends. When the relationships are disrupted, we get anxious because we don’t know who to trust or what might be expected of us in new partnerships.

This desire to change without changing reveals a lack of self-confidence or a distrust of either the change agent or the direction of the change. Admittedly, this is an oversimplification, but these are common factors in virtually all change efforts.

When structure, systems, procedures, reporting relationships, or other changes are proposed to an organization, the myriad disruptions of individual comforts creates a cacophony of protest that is difficult to hear, much less respond to effectively.

Leadership is essential.

A leader’s first challenge is to understand the current problem and its cause(s), the movement of the marketplace and what it portends for the future, and the resources available to the organization to correct course and adapt to the changing landscape.

None of this is easy in a quiet moment; it becomes a Herculean challenge when the environment is turbulent and resistance is rife. A leader’s ability to think critically, make important decisions, communicate a coherent and consistent message, model the change, and remain steadfast in the mission will determine, to a great degree, the success of the effort.

Remember: “Change is great for the other guy, just leave me alone.”

Has anyone who arrived on this planet over the past two generations heard of the word ’stewardship?’ For that matter, have any Boomers taught the meaning of the word to kids, family members, colleagues, or subordinates at work?

Peter Block wrote the book. It’s called “Stewardship: Choosing Service Over Self Interest.” Read it.

Hi, I’m Susan Marshall. Welcome to the weekly podcast of The Backbone Institute, where we uncover potential and support impossible dreams.

Three elements of Backbone – a learning system you can use every day
Competence
Confidence
Risk taking

Three things we asked you to do last week:
Make a list of things you’re good at.
List situations in which you feel especially confident.
Write down one or two risks that you have already successfully taken.

Notice any patterns?

Looking at your successful risks, do you know why they worked?

Definition of Competence:

The ability or qualities—the wherewithal—to do what you’re expected to do in the environment in which you dwell.

You have the knowledge, skills, or experience to do the job you have. To be a friend, partner or spouse. To be a parent. To be a boss. To drive your car. …

Competence is built over time and with many, many experiences.
Not all experiences are positive!

Your success starts with your level of competence.
If you are naturally good at something, your path to success may be shorter than someone less talented.
Conversely, if you make up your mind to do something that does not come easily for you or for which you are not particularly gifted, you’ll probably have to work harder or longer.

What do you want to be?

What risk would you most like to take?

What do you need to get better at - build competence in – to make it happen?

Fact: We build competence every day.
Aristotle: “You are what you repeatedly do.”

What is it? Do you know what you’re building?
Hitting the snooze button
Cutting people off in traffic
Eating too much junk food
Etc. …

Things we do and sometimes feel bad about.
We shrug them off and keep moving.
Every time we do them, we are perfecting them!

Social Media Question:
“How can I develop competence in things that matter to me rather than doing what other people expect me to do?”

Call up your Character!

How can you develop competence – on purpose? How to follow your dream?
Keep track of things you do well. If you were with us last week, you’ve already started. Add to the list over time.
Ask family and friends what they notice that you do well. (Don’t fish for compliments, ask for feedback)
Talk to someone who is doing now what you want to be doing in time. Ask what they had to learn and practice.
Pick one thing – just one – that you want to improve. Make time every day to practice it.
Keep a log of your practice time. When you look back over time and see evidence of the work you’ve put in, your confidence and trust in yourself will be a wonderful benefit.

Next week: Confidence

It takes great discipline and more than a little practice to stay focused on a mission when there is substantial resistance and noise surrounding it.

A change in direction, whether in a company, a school system, a family, even a church means that some will be supportive, while others will disagree with the change and work to protect the status quo.

The challenge to leaders of change is enormous. Most change becomes personal at some point and leaders almost invariably come under attack for issues that are tangential to the task at hand. Personal failings and prior mistaken judgment calls are almost automatic. Today, a person’s political affiliation seems to trump all else, including common sense. These battles distract from the important work of understanding systemic failures, coming up with solutions, implementing new methods, measuring effectiveness, and staying focused on the mission.

A case in point is the conversation about what’s happening within the Democrat party as it pertains to MPS. While it is true that Democrats have control of all governing bodies at both state and federal levels, and that legislation affects school systems, the work at hand is about improving the way we educate our children. The current system is failing our expectations, no matter which political party is in control.

Changing a system as large and complex as MPS will require bold and united leadership, laser focus, staunch discipline, and a recognition that there will be a great deal of anger and fear involved in the work. Friends will want to take care of each other; this is a natural human tendency. But this, too, is beside the point. Where loyalties serve to disrupt the effectiveness of a child’s education, they must be altered.

Recognizing the many forces exerting pressure on the system—families, teaching methods, nutrition, finances, history, technology, violence, and yes political alignments to name a few—is an essential step in expecting and managing opposition.

The future of our communities and businesses rides on our ability to educate our youth. Early failings will grow more expensive over time. Without the ability to understand the issues that challenge us or to communicate clearly and effectively, young leaders will be at the mercy of a fast-changing and increasingly unfriendly world. No one wants that.

Kids watch adults for clues about how to behave and how to succeed. Let’s get—and stay—focused on teaching them how to learn.

It is impossible today to get through an entire news day without someone crying “Racism!” “Racist!”

It is an intellectually lazy argument. And it has lost its power to shock or awe.

There is a lot of indignation thrown around as people argue over education, health care, governance, the economy, and the direction of this country. These debates are important and necessary. But throwing race out as a reason for disagreement or misunderstanding is counterproductive. It is becoming a national embarrassment.

Every person who has struggled to survive a serious life challenge looks for an explanation as to why they have been singled out for the hardship. It is human nature to want to pin a particularly dark episode on someone or something outside of self as the cause.

But as Scott Peck wrote in the first sentence of his book, The Road Less Traveled, “Life is difficult.”

Every life is difficult at different times for different reasons. Those who learn to overcome challenge and continue to believe in—and work for—better days and times ahead become leaders among men. Martin Luther King, Jr. was such a man.

He decried inequality. He championed character over color. With his imagination, he painted pictures of a better world in which his children could walk hand-in-hand in harmony with children of other races.

He did not waste his life plotting destruction. He lost his life championing the future. “I have a dream,” he said. It was a big dream, a worthy dream. A dream that all big people of integrity and honesty support to this day.

Bitter, frightened, angry people strike out. They destroy opportunity for themselves and others. Sadly, too many of our so-called leaders have revealed their bitter, vengeful, angry tendencies in pushing agendas that are power-centric, not people-centric.

Stop it, please. Give up the persecution complex, however you feel it. Study the circumstances you want to change and appeal to the benefit of human kind in all shapes, sizes, colors, and standings. If you are unable to do this, you have nothing to add as a leader. In fact, you are not a leader.

Celebrity ‘leaders’ find a cause and create a lot of drama around it. True leaders find a need and discover a way to serve it.

The popularity of executive coaching continues to grow, in part as a result of heightened expectations placed on executives with leaner staffs. Companies recognize the benefits a coach can bring to beleaguered leaders. Some companies use coaching as a development strategy for potential leaders. Some include it as a promotion benefit. In all cases, the intent of coaching is to assist executives in developing stronger skills to be more effective on the job.

For a coaching assignment to be successful, specific goals and expectations must be delineated on the part of the coach, the executive, and the organization. “Make him stronger” is too fuzzy. “Make her a better communicator” is insufficient as well.

Too many coaching partnerships begin with nebulous expectations and end in vague disappointment. A good coach will not accept the challenge to turn a bad performer into a budding star without specific outcomes defined.

However, with definite goals outlined, a coach will help create an action plan for learning and practice, keep the executive focused on the goals, provide specific objective feedback, and encourage the executive’s efforts. In addition, a coach will provide resources for the executive’s continued learning in the form of articles, introductions, or suggested alternative behaviors.

A summary of this work and evidence of progress should be reported to the organization on a periodic basis. Details of coaching conversations or specific incidences are not included in such reporting.

A coach is a partner in growth. He or she is not a stand-in for the executive, nor should the coach be expected to work harder on success than the executive. As anyone who is familiar with Oprah Winfrey’s life-long struggle with weight has seen, even a superlative coach cannot do the work for you.

Coaching, then, is not a means of shifting responsibility from an executive to an external expert. It is not company-sponsored therapy. It is not remedial parenting.

While there may be—and today often are—personal or emotional issues intertwined with an executive’s sub-par performance, an executive coach is not qualified, nor should he or she be expected, to do the work of a professional therapist. It is imperative that organizations and individuals understand this.

Finally, a word about “presence.” Presence is another word for confidence. It comes from a strong sense of self, an understanding of one’s role within the organization, and a belief that one’s talents make a difference. An aspect of presence has to do with maturity, which often comes with experience.

A coaching partnership can facilitate the building of confidence by providing evidence of growth in specific skill areas. Presence, however, grows over time with exposure to different situations, people, and ideas. For this reason, participation in workshops, networking groups, reading clubs, facilitated discussions, and service on non-profit boards are all excellent ways to expand one’s thinking and develop one’s presence.

When you, as an organization or individual, are ready to accelerate professional growth in particular skill areas and willing to engage in a developmental partnership, it may be time to seek out an executive coach. A focused and purposeful pairing can yield exceptional results.