Susan Marshall’s Media

Contrary to the current popular belief that “political correctness” is the way to acceptance, I’d like to suggest that telling the truth is a powerful way to establish and fortify trust.

When I say this, I am frequently asked: “Whose truth?”

I used to be somewhat taken aback by this question because truth seemed an obvious thing to me. Truth is truth, isn’t it? Well, no. It’s not that simple. We live now in a world in which facts are shaped to serve specific purposes and powerful coalitions form around particular versions of truth.

Information comes at us from so many sources it’s hard to keep track of what’s real and what’s invented. The Internet brings us many tall tales that we are at a loss to verify or denounce. Opinions vary depending on an incredible array of factors. At the same time, diversity is encouraged and celebrated. Given this, there’s no real right, no real wrong, and a definitive position is cast in harshly negative terms.

What the result of all this? Confusion. Wariness. Distrust. Fatigue. Apathy.

These are not the building blocks of success! Nor are they the keys to a successful future for anyone.

So, whose truth should you tell? Your own.

This is a scary proposition for many, maybe most, people today. The notion of being approved, liked, and welcomed into some circle of importance creates powerful pressure to take the temperature of a group you want to be part of before committing to any position.

Even in friendships, I hear people tell fibs to maintain relationships. But friends on both sides of a fib feel something in their gut that makes them suspicious of each other. They want to trust, and they really like their friend, but something doesn’t feel right, solid, or true.

Telling the truth has become an art form. Maybe it always has been, I don’t know. But the way a person tells the truth has an awful lot to do with the way it is accepted.

Generally speaking, over-the-top energy (high drama) limits the acceptability of a truth. Passion, in other words, has its place.

Heresy, you say! Yes, I have been criticized for downplaying passion because “everyone” knows that passion is the source of energy and success. Consider this: Passion has many faces and temperatures. It can be cool and precise as well as hot and animated.

And this leads to another argument over truth. If you feel hot and animated and the situation you’re involved with calls for coolness and precision, aren’t you lying if you acquiesce to the occasion? Aren’t you lying by acting cool when you feel hot?

Here’s where the power of telling the truth really shines. When you know what’s what inside yourself, it doesn’t matter whether you tell it hot, cool, or somewhere in between. It doesn’t matter how the person hearing it reacts to it or feels about it. Your truth is your truth. Others have their truths, which you are happy to hear because you don’t feel the need to agree or disagree, refute or support.

In this way, telling the truth becomes a powerful means of establishing trust because you become trustworthy. You know what is true for you and you accept the fact that others may have a different truth. You don’t need to change your truth to be more acceptable to others and you don’t require them to adopt your truth in order to stay in relationship with you. You share different perspectives in a spirit of respect and curiosity.

What an amazing difference this could make in virtually every aspect of our lives today!

Of course the first step is in figuring out what your truth is. Start with something small and silly. What food do you want to eat this weekend? Tell the truth. If you want pizza, say so. If you want steak, say so. If you want seafood or salad, Twinkies or HoHos, vegan or sushi, say so. Get in touch with what’s true for you and say it out loud. You may be surprised at how happy others are to oblige.

When it comes to bigger issues, take time to figure out what you really think. When you speak frankly while respecting the fact that others may differ, you sow the seeds of a powerful trust relationship. Don’t be surprised when people not only accept you, but begin to seek you out. Truth fosters trust.

What’s your limit? When do you know you’ve ‘had enough’ of whatever is bothering you? Whether it’s pressure at work, escalating taxes, or dysfunction in a personal relationship, what is it that finally makes you change your life?

An odd question? Perhaps. But one worth considering if you’re serious about finding success and happiness.

Some context: In my leadership development work, I meet a lot of people who are successful. Many of these people want to be even more successful and we work together to create strategies for their growth and advancement. At some point, we reach what seems like an inevitable plateau. Forward progress stops and frustration begins to creep in. Compromises get made; rationalization takes place. Personal integrity gets challenged.

This is fantastic! This is precisely the point at which people can choose growth or stagnation. A choice to grow often results in extraordinary learning—a clearing out of old thought habits and a turning away from behavior patterns that no longer work. The relief and joy that accompany this work are heartwarming.

A choice to stay safe often results in the “quiet desperation” that Henry David Thoreau wrote about in his classic book “Walden.” This choice usually comes from an overemphasis on what others think, want, or need at the expense of one’s own sense of integrity.

Personal integrity is, like many human characteristics, multi-faceted. It is made up of the way you see the world, the beliefs you hold dear, and the way you respond to life’s unfolding. It is a product of education and experience. The more you learn and grow, the clearer and more reliable it becomes as a source of wisdom and guidance.

Personal integrity is what allows you to draw boundaries, to know your limits and respect them. This knowledge also makes you sensitive to and respectful of the boundaries of others.

Personal integrity is a source of strength and courage to call upon when you wish to push beyond old limits. It’s what fortifies many leaders during difficult times and what individuals draw upon when they are ready to make significant life changes.

Personal integrity is not the same as self-righteousness. Self-righteous people are often fearful. They don’t trust their strength and they have trouble drawing boundaries. As a result, they often feel threatened and they typically respond with rigidity and condemnation. Sharp words and exaggerated stories are hallmarks of the self-righteous.

What are your limits? What do you do when you encounter them? Do you greet life’s events with curiosity and courage or do you tend to protect and defend yourself? Learning about yourself is critical to success in any endeavor. Take time to reflect on the things you do and the reasons why you do them. Notice the things that trigger your reactions. Use this information to live more consciously and purposefully—with personal integrity.